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Marriage is one of the most rewarding, yet challenging, journeys you can embark on. After over 20 years of experience counseling couples and living through the ups and downs of marriage myself, I can confidently say this: you don’t have to go into marriage if you cannot overlook some things. This may sound counterintuitive to modern notions of love that emphasize perfection, but it is a truth that has sustained countless relationships.
Overlooking doesn’t mean ignoring harmful behaviors or dismissing your own feelings. Instead, it’s about cultivating a mindset of grace, understanding, and forgiveness in the day-to-day realities of sharing a life with another person. Let’s explore what this means in practical terms and how it can transform your marriage into a resilient, joyful partnership.
The Myth of Perfection in Marriage
Many people enter marriage expecting perfection. They envision a spouse who checks every box, never makes mistakes, and always aligns with their own values and preferences. However, this mindset sets you up for disappointment. The reality is that marriage brings two imperfect people together, and imperfection is part of the beauty of the journey.
Learning to overlook some things means accepting that your partner is human. They will make mistakes, have quirks, and occasionally fall short of your expectations. Holding onto an idealized version of marriage only leads to frustration and resentment. Instead, focus on appreciating your partner’s strengths and working through challenges together.
What It Means to “Overlook” in Marriage
Overlooking in marriage doesn’t mean turning a blind eye to significant issues like abuse, neglect, or betrayal. Those require honest communication, counseling, and sometimes even separation. Rather, it refers to the ability to let go of minor irritations and differences that don’t impact the foundation of your relationship.
For instance, maybe your spouse leaves their socks on the floor, forgets to replace the toilet paper roll, or doesn’t share your enthusiasm for decorating during the holidays. While these things might bother you, they aren’t worth holding onto anger or starting an argument. Overlooking is about choosing peace over petty grievances and understanding that your relationship is more important than momentary frustrations.
The Role of Grace and Forgiveness
Grace is the cornerstone of a thriving marriage. It allows you to extend kindness and understanding to your partner even when they don’t “deserve” it. This is not about being a doormat; it’s about recognizing that both of you will need forgiveness and patience at various points in your journey.
Forgiveness is also key. No one gets through decades of marriage without stepping on each other’s toes. Learning to forgive quickly and genuinely prevents small issues from snowballing into larger conflicts. Holding onto grudges only builds walls between you and your spouse.
Practical Ways to Cultivate Overlooking
When my wife and I first got married, I thought I had everything figured out. I mean, how hard could it be? Love conquers all, right? But it didn’t take long to realize that marriage isn’t just about love; it’s about patience, compromise, and a willingness to overlook the small stuff.
Take the toothpaste cap. For months, I forgot to put it back on after brushing my teeth. It wasn’t intentional—I just didn’t think about it. But to my wife, it was like a flashing sign that screamed, “I don’t care.” We had a few heated exchanges over that tiny piece of plastic, but one day, she just stopped bringing it up. I later found out she decided to let it go, and honestly, that taught me a lot about what it means to love someone unconditionally.
Let me share a few things I’ve learned over the years about cultivating the art of overlooking in marriage. These lessons didn’t come from a book or a seminar but from real-life experiences in the trenches of a lifelong commitment.
Choose Your Battles
Early in our marriage, I felt the need to justify my every action. If she brought something up, I’d argue back, trying to explain my side. But one day, after a minor disagreement about where I left my shoes, I had an epiphany: not everything needs to be a battle.
Now, when something comes up, I ask myself, “Is this really worth it?” Nine times out of ten, it’s not. Learning to choose my battles has brought so much peace to our home. It’s amazing how much smoother things go when you let the little stuff slide.
Focus on the Big Picture
One of the most valuable lessons I’ve learned is to focus on what really matters. When you’re living with someone every day, small annoyances can pile up and feel overwhelming. But whenever I find myself getting frustrated, I think about why I married her in the first place.
It’s not about the dishes in the sink or the lights she forgets to turn off. It’s about the life we’re building together—the family, the memories, the partnership. Keeping the big picture in mind helps me put those little irritations into perspective.
Practice Gratitude
It’s easy to focus on what your spouse does wrong, but it takes effort to notice what they do right. I used to get caught up in all the things my wife didn’t do the way I liked—until one day, I realized how much she does without expecting any acknowledgment.
Now, I make it a point to notice the little things, like how she always remembers my favorite snacks or how she supports me when I’m having a rough day. Gratitude has completely shifted my mindset. The more I focus on her positive qualities, the less I’m bothered by the minor things that used to annoy me.
Communicate with Love
Overlooking doesn’t mean bottling everything up. There are times when issues need to be addressed, but I’ve learned that how I communicate makes all the difference.
Early on, I’d say things like, “You always do this,” or “Why can’t you just…” Those conversations never ended well. Now, I try to frame things differently. Instead of accusing, I share how I feel. For example, “It would mean a lot to me if we could tackle this together.” That approach has turned potential arguments into meaningful discussions.
Pray Together
One of the best habits we’ve developed as a couple is praying together. Every night, we take a few minutes to sit down and talk to God. It’s not just about asking for help; it’s about thanking Him for each other and inviting Him into our marriage.
There’s something powerful about holding hands and praying with the person you love. It’s a reminder that we’re on the same team, even when we don’t see eye to eye. Prayer has been a game-changer for us, helping us navigate challenges with grace and unity.
Laugh Often
If there’s one thing that’s kept us going through the ups and downs, it’s laughter. Marriage can be stressful, but humor has a way of breaking through the tension.
I’ll never forget the time I forgot our anniversary. I was bracing for a serious conversation, but instead, she cracked a joke about how she’d trade me for a husband who remembered dates. We both laughed so hard, and that moment turned what could’ve been a disaster into a funny story we still tell.
Laughter reminds us not to take everything so seriously. It’s a way of reconnecting and finding joy, even in the midst of challenges.
Empathy and Understanding
There have been times when I’ve snapped at my wife over something small, only to realize later that I was stressed about work or something else entirely. She’s been gracious enough to overlook those moments, and that’s inspired me to do the same.
When she’s upset, instead of reacting defensively, I try to understand where she’s coming from. Is she tired? Overwhelmed? The more I practice empathy, the more patient I become.
Personal Reflections from 20+ Years of Marriage
After more than two decades of marriage, I've discovered that overlooking isn't a sign of weakness, but a testament to strength. It's not about ignoring problems, but prioritizing love and peace over perfection. We're two imperfect individuals who've chosen to navigate life together, and I've come to understand that the toothpaste cap, misplaced socks, and dishes in the sink don't define our marriage.
What truly defines us is the daily commitment to love, forgive, and overlook. I've chosen to overlook quirks, forgetfulness, and even occasional misunderstandings. Not because they're unimportant, but because our relationship holds greater significance.
I know my spouse has extended the same grace to me countless times, and this mutual understanding has fostered an environment where love can flourish, even during challenging periods.
Marriage is undoubtedly demanding, but it's an endeavor worth every effort. If you aspire to a lasting love, cultivate the art of letting go of the trivial. You'll find that the more you overlook, the stronger your bond will become. Trust me – after over 20 years of marriage, I can confidently say that it's the small acts of grace that build a lifetime of love.
When Not to Overlook
While overlooking is a vital skill, there are situations where it’s inappropriate or harmful. Issues like infidelity, abuse, or chronic disrespect require direct action and intervention. Healthy marriages are built on trust, respect, and safety, and these cannot be compromised.
If you find yourself in a situation where you’re constantly compromising your own well-being or values, it’s essential to seek help, whether through counseling or trusted support systems.
The Spiritual Dimension of Overlooking
Marriage is not just a union between two people; it’s also a covenant before God. As believers, we are called to emulate Christ’s love for the church—a patient, forgiving, and enduring love. This perspective transforms the act of overlooking into a spiritual discipline.
When you choose to overlook minor offenses, you mirror God’s grace in your relationship. This not only strengthens your bond but also deepens your spiritual growth as a couple. Praying together and seeking God’s guidance can help you discern what to overlook and what to address.
Building Resilience in Marriage
Overlooking is a skill that builds resilience in your marriage. It teaches you to focus on the bigger picture and equips you to navigate life’s inevitable challenges. Couples who master this art find that they are better prepared to handle the unexpected and can weather storms without letting minor irritations derail their relationship.
A Word of Encouragement
If you’re preparing for marriage or already in one, take heart. Learning to overlook is a process, and it’s one that will enrich your life and deepen your love. Remember, the goal is not to eliminate all flaws but to grow together in love, understanding, and grace.
Marriage is not about perfection; it’s about perseverance. With a commitment to overlooking and a focus on God’s design for marriage, you can build a partnership that stands the test of time.
Conclusion
Marriage is not about finding the perfect partner but learning to love an imperfect one. If you’re not ready to overlook some things, marriage may be a constant struggle. But if you can embrace grace, forgiveness, and understanding, you’ll discover the joy of building a life with someone who grows with you.
Remember, the goal of marriage is not to eliminate all flaws but to love each other despite them. It’s in those moments of overlooking that the true strength of your love shines through.
So, as you step into or continue your marital journey, keep this truth close to your heart: You don’t have to go into marriage if you cannot overlook some things. But when you do, you’ll find that the beauty of marriage lies not in perfection but in the grace to embrace imperfection together.
